My Favorite Word is Deliquescence
I intended to start a new blog when I got back from teaching English in Argentina so that I could process re-acclimating to life in the states and share my experiences as a newly hired Apprentice Chocolate Maker, but then I got really busy re-acclimating to life in the states and being an Apprentice Chocolate Maker and never managed to publish my first post.
I also couldn't decide on a title.
Let's be honest, I never published that first post because I couldn't decide on a title.
(I have a history of this issue, evidenced by the many essays that I turned in with the title written at the top in pencil because I still hadn't decided by the time I had to print the paper.)
I am crap at titles so I've finally given up and am just posting this anyways.
While I was in Argentina, my weekly blog was a great way to share my experiences with family and friends back home, but mostly I used it as a place to organize my thoughts and take some personal time to process everything that happened on a daily basis. Being in a foreign country is a great excuse to create that kind of written record, but one of the things I realized while I was away from home was that there are so many new things to explore in my own city, and the kinds of philosophical and social questions that come up in another country arise in one way or another no matter where in the world I am.
So this is a place for me to continue the process of working through my day to day experiences on a (minimally) public platform where I feel some level of accountability (because otherwise I will never write anything).
A little over a year ago, after 8 months teaching English in Córdoba, Argentina and two weeks traveling with my parents through the country and hiking in Patagonia, I flew back to San Francisco, dyed my hair vibrantly purple and orange, interviewed for a position at a bean-to-bar chocolate factory, and (whether because of or despite the hair, who knows) started work on January 2nd of 2018.
It's been so long since I've written and there are a million things I want to talk about, but since it's the new year I think what I'll start with is a quick highlight reel from 2018 and a few thoughts for the coming year.
I also couldn't decide on a title.
Let's be honest, I never published that first post because I couldn't decide on a title.
(I have a history of this issue, evidenced by the many essays that I turned in with the title written at the top in pencil because I still hadn't decided by the time I had to print the paper.)
I am crap at titles so I've finally given up and am just posting this anyways.
While I was in Argentina, my weekly blog was a great way to share my experiences with family and friends back home, but mostly I used it as a place to organize my thoughts and take some personal time to process everything that happened on a daily basis. Being in a foreign country is a great excuse to create that kind of written record, but one of the things I realized while I was away from home was that there are so many new things to explore in my own city, and the kinds of philosophical and social questions that come up in another country arise in one way or another no matter where in the world I am.
So this is a place for me to continue the process of working through my day to day experiences on a (minimally) public platform where I feel some level of accountability (because otherwise I will never write anything).
A little over a year ago, after 8 months teaching English in Córdoba, Argentina and two weeks traveling with my parents through the country and hiking in Patagonia, I flew back to San Francisco, dyed my hair vibrantly purple and orange, interviewed for a position at a bean-to-bar chocolate factory, and (whether because of or despite the hair, who knows) started work on January 2nd of 2018.
 |
| Seriously, vibrant purple and orange. The day before a job interview. |
It's been so long since I've written and there are a million things I want to talk about, but since it's the new year I think what I'll start with is a quick highlight reel from 2018 and a few thoughts for the coming year.
January
Starting my new job, drinking "euros" (European Hot Chocolates, aka molten chocolate with extra cream and sugar) and getting to know new coworkers. Rain. Lots of feelings of renewal and joy and appreciation for the group of people welcoming me into their daily lives.
February
Putting excess chocolate to good use by making Guinness Chocolate Cake with Bailey's Cream Icing, a baking expedition repeated three times this year because I was so obsessed with it. I replaced the the cocoa powder with 100g 70% Dandelion Chocolate, or 2 60g bars minus a couple squares that you nibble on while baking (I like the Sierra Leone, Tumaco, or Wampu bars for this cake but any bar will work) and decreased the sugar to 1 1/4 cup and the butter to a scant 1 cup (you can measure out 1 cup and use some of the butter to coat the pan and then melt the rest for the recipe). A+ boozy chocolatey goodness. Fun to add some Irish whiskey ganache, too, if you want to make it a layered cake.
One of my favorite concerts of the year. This video doesn't do it justice at all. Got jealous that my sister saw Lorde in Portland so my friend and I bought last-minute tickets to her Oakland concert and it was 5000% worth it. The dancers were incredible and the vibe was amazing and I love Lorde so much more after seeing her live. At one point, I think when she was singing Green Light toward the end of the concert, she asked us to "keep jumping, give all of your energy, give me everything you have" or something like that and I kept thinking about how strange it is that hundreds of people gather to watch one person perform and just... worship them. And you're just enclosed in a space with so many bodies that are moving together and screaming and shouting along and really giving their energy to this person on stage who is just a human being like the rest of us. And so many artists talk about the high of performing and the crash that comes after. And I was thinking it would be really interesting to write about a literal energy vampire whose source of life is the energy they suck from other people so they become a famous musician in order to have a constant supply of energy... erm but yeah Lorde was pretty cool.
An ongoing thing, really, of rewatching all of my favorite animated movies and sketching characters. Rewatching Korra in particular was a big part of my year. The show, which followed the incredible Avatar: The Last Airbender, came out during college at a time when a lot of change was happening in my life. A:TLA came out when my generation were kids and dealt with a younger coming-of-age story, while Korra features older characters who are struggling to make sense of a world where the simple "good and evil" of childhood no longer applies. Each season's antagonist puts forth a different political ideology (Communism, Theocracy, Anarchy, Dictatorship) and instead of demonizing the different characters, the show explores how and why each one has come to their beliefs about the world. Perhaps my favorite part of the entire series is when Korra flips the typical "I'm nothing like you!" script on the "villain." Instead, she learns to acknowledge and accept the ways in which she and her enemy are the same and shows incredible empathy. The show deals with deeply complex issues like PTSD, physical and mental disabilities, chosen and biological families, privilege, loss, and the expansive and fluid nature of love. I remember watching the final episode at about 3am alone in my bedroom and literally screaming out loud (and maybe crying a little) when it ended because I was so shocked and thrilled at the way they chose to end the show. My rewatch was no less powerful, especially given that I was watching it as I grew closer with my friend-and-then-partner who was seeing it for the very first time.
My first time running Bay to Breakers on my own two feet (I was pushed in a stroller as a baby). I'd been playing around with a Hades cosplay and we were going to go with Disney-themed costumes, but... well, running comfort took precedence. Longest distance I've run and it felt great, and I was really proud of my training runs along the beach and up the Hayes hill.
Seriously this was the year of great concerts. So much fun seeing Dua Lipa and I adore her. The concert was amazing but one of my favorite parts was when it was over and they started playing background music, and the song "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" came on as everyone was walking out of the venue and everyone started singing along and dancing their way out and it felt like this happy bubble of love and I think it is so wonderful that artists can create that kind of space and community.
Family time. Something I missed so badly while I was away and have cherished since getting back. Being with my family and being accepted so warmly by my closest friends' families (we had a wonderful joint 4th of July barbecue/oyster lunch in Tomales Bay). And, of course, time spent at Spirit Lake with my cousins and aunts and uncles.
Hilariously ominous texts to the family group chat... This one had us laughing for days. (What my mom meant was that we were next on the waiting list for a table at the restaurant we were going to... my grammar and syntax professor would have loved this exchange). Adapting to the digital age is a struggle for us all... some more than others.
Strong contender for best day/night of the year... My first time seeing Florence Welch live, and she is everything. While we walked to the venue, a double rainbow arched from the sky down the stadium and I was like oh, it's Florence descending from the heavens. I cannot describe this experience in words. Her music has been the soundtrack to my highest highs and lowest lows since Dog Days in 2010. Each song holds a collection of powerful associations and memories and stories and to see her twirl her joy and whisper her love and shout her pain and run through the crowd in her bare feet was... it's the opposite of the energy vampire. She is the one who gives absolutely everything to everyone who comes to see her. Her song "June" is my anthem for the year:
One of my goals for the year: building enough strength and skill to qualify for the Aerial Rope I class at Circus Center. It took 8 months of conditioning and stretching 3-5 hours a week for me to get approval and when I finally made it to my first class, I felt utterly under-qualified in comparison to the other students. That's what circus is, though: pushing past my fear and pain and self-doubt and coming back again and again. "Es necessario un cambio en el circo"/Change is necessary in circus, the mantra I repeated in my rope class in Argentina, always applicable. And while I am nowhere close to the level I want to be on rope, I've made a huge amount of progress this year. I can do a pull-up!! Now that I'm starting my second session I even (almost) feel like I fit in with the other aerialists.
Okay so I already used one month for family, but like... Family. I am so lucky to have been born into one that makes me feel so loved. When we were little, we loved to perform for the adults. No care whatsoever for how off-key we sang "Fabulous" from High School Musical or "Does Your Mother Know?" from Mamma Mia. Then we became teenagers and everything was embarrassing and we felt self-conscious about it all (ask my sister about her class on developmental stages), and it's really nice to have finally settled into a (somewhat) more secure place in our lives, where we're comfortable enough to jam and sing together after a delicious Thanksgiving meal. I couldn't be more proud of all of my cousins and everything they do.
Kitty in a box! :) The last four months of the year I spent house- and cat-sitting for a family friend and it was a lovely experience. I grew very fond of the cuddly aging old lady-cat that came with the house and I miss her a whole lot (despite the small turds she would occasionally leave on the floor because they didn't quite fall out in the litter box and the way she would see her tail and think it was a snake and start hissing at it and attack it viciously... and somehow not realize that it was a part of her even when she caught it). During those four months, though, I was also pushing myself extremely hard at work and in every other aspect of my life-- something I had promised myself I wouldn't do after getting back from Argentina. I had grown so comfortable with a more open schedule that allowed for plenty of time for myself while I was abroad, and for the first few months of 2018 I was able to keep it up. By the end of the year, though, my tendency to over-commit had reasserted itself and I was working 6 days a week, spending 5+ hours training at the circus center, participating in a book club and reading multiple books on top of that, attending almost every event and social activity I was invited to, trying to clean and keep up the house, and still feeling like I wasn't doing enough. I bragged that I had only called in sick a single day out of either of my jobs the entire year. I let my meditation practice slip away, I didn't write at all, my acceptable number of hours of sleep dropped lower, my to-do list grew longer instead of shorter. And then during my last week before Winter Break, I got "a little cough"... and kept working, and it became "maybe the flu," and I tried to show up for work one morning and was turned away, and "a little cough" became pneumonia. And it took that x-ray to make me realize my body was telling me it had had enough. So it turned out that the end of the year, while it included a really wonderful trip to Seattle and time spent with long-missed friends and family, was also a sort of low period of healing and acknowledging that the schedule I had was unsustainable.
So, this post has a title, and I know I already said I suck at titles, but I am like 96% finished with this post and I still haven't mentioned anything related to the title but I promise I'm getting there.
A few months ago I realized I had forgotten my favorite word, although I remembered it meant "having the quality of turning to liquid," and I had to look it up and I was like oh, my favorite word is deliquescence! and then I realized how pretentious that sounded and I was like wow. English major, much?
The literal use of the word is about chemistry, a shift in material state, but it's a word that showed up in several literary contexts throughout college and I found the metaphorical use of it quite beautiful. It's about fluidity and change. It recalls the fragment of the Greek philosopher Thales, "All is water," the Rupi Kaur poem "i am/ made of water/ of course i am emotional," the core quality of adaptability that defines Korra's native Water Tribe culture. It describes the way that, as much as we try to control things and resist change, we inevitably find ourselves different at the end of each year (let alone each month, each day). We have a tendency toward fluidity. We are in a constant process of becoming.
This is something I am trying to (re-)remind myself of. The start of a new year is a widely acknowledged moment to resolve to make the changes we want to see, but I know that change is not limited to a certain time of year or place or age. I want to use this blog to take note of the changes that happen this year. The more I am aware of what is occupying my mental space, able to articulate the choices I am making and why, and conscious of the narrative I am constructing about myself, the better I will be able to shape the changes I go through.
It may be a little pretentious-sounding and I may be taking its meaning waaaay too far, but I think deliquescence is a good word to keep in mind as I start the new year.
Plus the way "deliquescence" sounds feels like the way Florence dances.
March
One of my favorite concerts of the year. This video doesn't do it justice at all. Got jealous that my sister saw Lorde in Portland so my friend and I bought last-minute tickets to her Oakland concert and it was 5000% worth it. The dancers were incredible and the vibe was amazing and I love Lorde so much more after seeing her live. At one point, I think when she was singing Green Light toward the end of the concert, she asked us to "keep jumping, give all of your energy, give me everything you have" or something like that and I kept thinking about how strange it is that hundreds of people gather to watch one person perform and just... worship them. And you're just enclosed in a space with so many bodies that are moving together and screaming and shouting along and really giving their energy to this person on stage who is just a human being like the rest of us. And so many artists talk about the high of performing and the crash that comes after. And I was thinking it would be really interesting to write about a literal energy vampire whose source of life is the energy they suck from other people so they become a famous musician in order to have a constant supply of energy... erm but yeah Lorde was pretty cool.
April
 |
| Chel, The Road to El Dorado |
 |
| Hades, Hercules |
 |
| Jane, Tarzan |
 |
| Vinny, Atlantis: The Lost Empire |
 |
| Mrs. Packer, Atlantis: The Lost Empire |
 |
| Helga Sinclair, Atlantis: The Lost Empire |
 |
| Korra, Legend of Korra Season 4: Balance |
An ongoing thing, really, of rewatching all of my favorite animated movies and sketching characters. Rewatching Korra in particular was a big part of my year. The show, which followed the incredible Avatar: The Last Airbender, came out during college at a time when a lot of change was happening in my life. A:TLA came out when my generation were kids and dealt with a younger coming-of-age story, while Korra features older characters who are struggling to make sense of a world where the simple "good and evil" of childhood no longer applies. Each season's antagonist puts forth a different political ideology (Communism, Theocracy, Anarchy, Dictatorship) and instead of demonizing the different characters, the show explores how and why each one has come to their beliefs about the world. Perhaps my favorite part of the entire series is when Korra flips the typical "I'm nothing like you!" script on the "villain." Instead, she learns to acknowledge and accept the ways in which she and her enemy are the same and shows incredible empathy. The show deals with deeply complex issues like PTSD, physical and mental disabilities, chosen and biological families, privilege, loss, and the expansive and fluid nature of love. I remember watching the final episode at about 3am alone in my bedroom and literally screaming out loud (and maybe crying a little) when it ended because I was so shocked and thrilled at the way they chose to end the show. My rewatch was no less powerful, especially given that I was watching it as I grew closer with my friend-and-then-partner who was seeing it for the very first time.
May
 |
| Before 12k |
 |
| After 12k |
My first time running Bay to Breakers on my own two feet (I was pushed in a stroller as a baby). I'd been playing around with a Hades cosplay and we were going to go with Disney-themed costumes, but... well, running comfort took precedence. Longest distance I've run and it felt great, and I was really proud of my training runs along the beach and up the Hayes hill.
June
Seriously this was the year of great concerts. So much fun seeing Dua Lipa and I adore her. The concert was amazing but one of my favorite parts was when it was over and they started playing background music, and the song "I Wanna Dance With Somebody" came on as everyone was walking out of the venue and everyone started singing along and dancing their way out and it felt like this happy bubble of love and I think it is so wonderful that artists can create that kind of space and community.
July
Family time. Something I missed so badly while I was away and have cherished since getting back. Being with my family and being accepted so warmly by my closest friends' families (we had a wonderful joint 4th of July barbecue/oyster lunch in Tomales Bay). And, of course, time spent at Spirit Lake with my cousins and aunts and uncles.
August
Hilariously ominous texts to the family group chat... This one had us laughing for days. (What my mom meant was that we were next on the waiting list for a table at the restaurant we were going to... my grammar and syntax professor would have loved this exchange). Adapting to the digital age is a struggle for us all... some more than others.
September
Strong contender for best day/night of the year... My first time seeing Florence Welch live, and she is everything. While we walked to the venue, a double rainbow arched from the sky down the stadium and I was like oh, it's Florence descending from the heavens. I cannot describe this experience in words. Her music has been the soundtrack to my highest highs and lowest lows since Dog Days in 2010. Each song holds a collection of powerful associations and memories and stories and to see her twirl her joy and whisper her love and shout her pain and run through the crowd in her bare feet was... it's the opposite of the energy vampire. She is the one who gives absolutely everything to everyone who comes to see her. Her song "June" is my anthem for the year:
Hold onto each other
October
One of my goals for the year: building enough strength and skill to qualify for the Aerial Rope I class at Circus Center. It took 8 months of conditioning and stretching 3-5 hours a week for me to get approval and when I finally made it to my first class, I felt utterly under-qualified in comparison to the other students. That's what circus is, though: pushing past my fear and pain and self-doubt and coming back again and again. "Es necessario un cambio en el circo"/Change is necessary in circus, the mantra I repeated in my rope class in Argentina, always applicable. And while I am nowhere close to the level I want to be on rope, I've made a huge amount of progress this year. I can do a pull-up!! Now that I'm starting my second session I even (almost) feel like I fit in with the other aerialists.
November
Okay so I already used one month for family, but like... Family. I am so lucky to have been born into one that makes me feel so loved. When we were little, we loved to perform for the adults. No care whatsoever for how off-key we sang "Fabulous" from High School Musical or "Does Your Mother Know?" from Mamma Mia. Then we became teenagers and everything was embarrassing and we felt self-conscious about it all (ask my sister about her class on developmental stages), and it's really nice to have finally settled into a (somewhat) more secure place in our lives, where we're comfortable enough to jam and sing together after a delicious Thanksgiving meal. I couldn't be more proud of all of my cousins and everything they do.
December
Kitty in a box! :) The last four months of the year I spent house- and cat-sitting for a family friend and it was a lovely experience. I grew very fond of the cuddly aging old lady-cat that came with the house and I miss her a whole lot (despite the small turds she would occasionally leave on the floor because they didn't quite fall out in the litter box and the way she would see her tail and think it was a snake and start hissing at it and attack it viciously... and somehow not realize that it was a part of her even when she caught it). During those four months, though, I was also pushing myself extremely hard at work and in every other aspect of my life-- something I had promised myself I wouldn't do after getting back from Argentina. I had grown so comfortable with a more open schedule that allowed for plenty of time for myself while I was abroad, and for the first few months of 2018 I was able to keep it up. By the end of the year, though, my tendency to over-commit had reasserted itself and I was working 6 days a week, spending 5+ hours training at the circus center, participating in a book club and reading multiple books on top of that, attending almost every event and social activity I was invited to, trying to clean and keep up the house, and still feeling like I wasn't doing enough. I bragged that I had only called in sick a single day out of either of my jobs the entire year. I let my meditation practice slip away, I didn't write at all, my acceptable number of hours of sleep dropped lower, my to-do list grew longer instead of shorter. And then during my last week before Winter Break, I got "a little cough"... and kept working, and it became "maybe the flu," and I tried to show up for work one morning and was turned away, and "a little cough" became pneumonia. And it took that x-ray to make me realize my body was telling me it had had enough. So it turned out that the end of the year, while it included a really wonderful trip to Seattle and time spent with long-missed friends and family, was also a sort of low period of healing and acknowledging that the schedule I had was unsustainable.
2019
A few months ago I realized I had forgotten my favorite word, although I remembered it meant "having the quality of turning to liquid," and I had to look it up and I was like oh, my favorite word is deliquescence! and then I realized how pretentious that sounded and I was like wow. English major, much?
Deliquescence (adj): becoming liquid, or having a tendency to become liquid
The literal use of the word is about chemistry, a shift in material state, but it's a word that showed up in several literary contexts throughout college and I found the metaphorical use of it quite beautiful. It's about fluidity and change. It recalls the fragment of the Greek philosopher Thales, "All is water," the Rupi Kaur poem "i am/ made of water/ of course i am emotional," the core quality of adaptability that defines Korra's native Water Tribe culture. It describes the way that, as much as we try to control things and resist change, we inevitably find ourselves different at the end of each year (let alone each month, each day). We have a tendency toward fluidity. We are in a constant process of becoming.
This is something I am trying to (re-)remind myself of. The start of a new year is a widely acknowledged moment to resolve to make the changes we want to see, but I know that change is not limited to a certain time of year or place or age. I want to use this blog to take note of the changes that happen this year. The more I am aware of what is occupying my mental space, able to articulate the choices I am making and why, and conscious of the narrative I am constructing about myself, the better I will be able to shape the changes I go through.
It may be a little pretentious-sounding and I may be taking its meaning waaaay too far, but I think deliquescence is a good word to keep in mind as I start the new year.
Plus the way "deliquescence" sounds feels like the way Florence dances.
Comments
Post a Comment